Funny Unix Shell Commands
2 min readJul 1, 2024
Found this accidentally in my backups :) … do not remember when i originally found this.
Here is a list I compiled of UNIX commands that return witty error messages.
Some of the commands don't return the same error messages, depending upon
which OS you're running (ie SunOS, HP/UX, Ultrix, etc.). Have fun!
%make fire
Make: Don't know how to make fire. Stop.
% why not?
No match.
% gotta light?
No match.
% !1984
1984: Event not found. # (on some systems)
% How's my lovemaking?
Unmatched '.
% "How would you rate Bush's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% [Where is my brain?
Missing ].
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
% cd /tmp
% touch this; chmod 000 this
% ln -s /usr/bin/touch U
% U this
U: cannot touch this: no write permission
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% cd ~god
Unknown user: god.
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% drink yellow_pages
yellow_pages: Is a directory
%touch me
%chmod 000 me
%touch me
touch: cannot touch me: permission denied
% ar x "my love life"
ar: my love life does not exist
% ar x "matey, the treasure"
ar…